words

The day I saw in your eyes
departure, I enrolled in a Berlitz course
to learn the language of loss

The pronouns are simple,
but the verbs of existence
are all irregular and hard to learn.

P.K. Saha

_________________

I know now that I can make it through more than I thought, with less than I thought. I know better than to believe that the changes are over, and I know better than to believe the next ones will be easier, but I’ve learned the hard way that change is one of God’s greatest gifts and one of his most useful tools. I’ve learned the hard way that change can push us, pull us, rebuke and remake us. It can show us who we’ve become, in the worst ways, and also in the best ways. I’ve learned that it’s not something to run away from, as though we could, and I’ve learned that in many cases, change is not a function of life’s cruelty but instead a function of God’s graciousness.

Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet.

the reason why

I'm not sure how it's going to turn out, except I'll die in the end, she said. So, really, what could go wrong?

Lately I have been thinking about purpose. About what makes me do the things I do, what is my motivation, and what is the reasoning behind my thoughts. And you know why I think it matters? I'm reading in I Corinthians, where Paul says,

If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men.

It's just like what Marx said.

Religion is, indeed, the self-consciousness and self-esteem of man who has either not yet won through to himself, or has already lost himself again...Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people.

There really would be truth in that, and all faith would be is a fanciful escape, if Jesus' existence was confined to the limitations of human understanding and the things of this life. If Jesus had not risen from the dead, the world really should mock us for holding foolish beliefs. The part that really sells me isn't any sort of historical evidence this world has gone after in an attempt to prove Jesus was real. But it's everything that has become truth after his resurrection. Everything God has done, that I've heard of and seen, were made possible with his decision to bridge the gap for us. In John 14, when Jesus promises the Holy Spirit, he warns that soon the world would not see him anymore, but we would.

There is such an infinite and definite gap between things of heaven and things of this world. But every expression of agape love, every powerful prophecy, every life transformed, every act of justice, every word of truth, is a small piece of heaven crossing over into our natural world. That is what it means to bring his kingdom here on earth. Because we have been given that power. And that is why prayer is so important, because it is God's invitation to intervene. We are given the ability to draw invisible lines between heaven and earth, and make something happen that otherwise wouldn't have because we weren't there to intercede. The Lord listens to the prayers of the righteous, and I want to be one of those righteous people.

You know what is crazy to me? John 14.12.

Everyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.

That means we are capable of doing at least as much as Jesus did, if not more. It is not a question of degree but rather of the condition of our heart, and whether we will bring glory to the Father. Not everyone is gifted in the same way, the reason for which is obvious. But we each have the exact same potential of what Jesus promises if we are available for him to use us. If something will influence our reality enough to turn our hearts and attention towards God, he will reach down out of heaven. It is like what he promises in 2 Chronicles 7.14.

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

Sometimes I find myself past believing he can or will heal our land. It is entirely overwhelming, to the point of being unbelievable. It seems there are so many "if" clauses that must happen on our part and I just don't see it happening. In the right instances, I realize it is not my place to question that. And this is where purpose originates.

Anyone can slay a dragon, he told me. But try waking up every morning and loving the world all over again. That's what takes a real hero.

Isn't that funny? Anyone who the Lord calls his own can command life from death and speak healing into people's lives. That is not a reflection at all of us or what we are capable of doing. It simply reveals God as the one who gives life to the dead, and calls things that are not as though they were (Romans 4.17). What is a much bigger deal is having the heart to be used by God at all. And that requires so much more out of us. I think if it were entirely up to me, I would want a job to earn as much money as possible so I could buy pretty clothes and shiny things. Any desires outside of that is not from me because they are not of this world. And any ability to love the world and the people in it is most definitely not from me, because so much of the time all people do is break your heart when they steal, kill and destroy.

You know what got me thinking so much about this. Ty talked about simplicity at Epic yesterday. I was proud of him for taking on that chapter since there was so much information it was overwhelming. Much like I was proud of Eric for speaking on fasting, because it is such an intimidating subject. But Foster lists so many practical aspects to think about in order to simplify our lives. It made me reconsider what I want and how I want to spend my time. You know what I honestly would spend my money on right now if I had it. A 17-in macbook pro and another tattoo. Isn't that weird? Go ahead, ask me why. I have the strangest, messiest priorities. Leading a simple life is just breaking it down to the essentials so God can permeate the rest.

When I was little, two of my biggest prayers (that resulted from my biggest fears) were that I wouldn't go blind, and that Jesus would come before anyone in my family died. I realized if it really came down to simplifying and giving things up for Jesus, the only thing I hold on to tighter than anything is my family. I would not lose purpose and I would not lose Jesus, but I certainly would lose a lot of motivation to pursue either one. It's funny, because Katie and I were talking after Ty spoke, and rather than being hung up on the part of giving up material possessions she was reflecting on how difficult it would be to give up relationships. Should have known that is where her heart is because it's Katie, but I realized afterward that that is where my heart is also. And yet Jesus asks us to even forego saying goodbye to our families as the cost of following him (Luke 9.61-62).

What a crazy thought. But following Jesus is my purpose. It is the reason why I am able to see what really goes on in this world and not dream of everything I would do to take myself out of it. Sometimes I still do, when things are starting to turn black. But Jesus has never made himself too complicated or too distant to warrant any doubt of whether he is worth it.

understand this is a dream

Pretend a lot of things are different right now.

Pretend the things that are, are not the things that matter.

Then I could tell you that this is where I'd like to be:

And this is what I'd like to do while I'm there:

And one of these days it's going to come true.

whatever and ever, amen

The worst part of waiting is not being able to know if it's worth it.
The worst part of being disappointed is the thought that I should have known better.

It scares me to put myself out there for other people; to depend entirely on their word and their character whether they'll follow through or not. I do not trust people very easily, though once I do trust people, it would take something extremely drastic for that to change. But once my good opinion is lost it's very difficult to get back.

I would like to be my own person. Because that at least gives me one person I can be sure of in this world.

turned to real life

The high mission of any art is, by its illusions, to foreshadow a higher universe reality, to crystallize the emotions of time into the thought of eternity.

That might just be one of the truest statements I've read in a while. The concept of everything having a purpose, of dwelling on things that make an impact, has much greater significance in life than I ever considered. At church a few Sundays ago, the pastor gave me a new perspective when he said, "We have a physical body and a spirit in Heaven, and we are agents of change to broker His kingdom here on earth." Suddenly there is an inarguable dichotomy between things that matter most and the things that simply don't, because of their impact in the spiritual realm. On eternity.

The words "reality" and "eternity" are ones I've struggled with ever since things started to matter; first with the idea of them and then the practicality of believing in both. I wasn't sure it was possible at first. Reality were the things all around me, the things I knew to be true because I saw them. Reality was being sure of what I knew and acting on something I believed in. But when I thought about what it meant to live with an eternal perspective, it makes you wonder how you're to know something is true when it isn't there to protest its existence. How do you act confidently on a feeling that could be analyzed and trivialized and discounted?

Mom has always told me I see things in black and white. In many situations I don't see the 18% gray until someone formally presents it and shows me there was no either/or dilemma to begin with. It seems to simplify things, because otherwise I'm afraid I over-think it. It's nice to have clear options to choose from because it feels like I made progress in discovering them.

But I have been learning that there are all sorts of black and white, either/ors that hold my world together. And those ones are okay. The constant struggle between flesh and spirit have become so much more real to me when I let go of enough of myself to finally realize it. I think that's why I wanted to try fasting. To see what it would feel like to allow God to physically sustain me, also. I have discovered that eating is not so much a necessity as it is a hobby. Going each day with a hollow feeling in my stomach doesn't compare to how it feels having a hollowness in my spirit. That is what hurts the most, what I know I can't live with. But food is something I do for fun, because I like picking things apart and enjoying it for what it is. I thought I was doing it wrong at first, that I was missing something important because it wasn't supposed to feel more like a dieting plan than a spiritual act. But when it wasn't something I depended on enough to structure my day around to begin with, it becomes less the food itself and more what it represents. And the distraction isn't a question of how much time I spend eating that should now be transferred to time spent with God. When the distraction of food is taken away all that's left to contrast is what my body wants and what my spirit desires. It's like taking away the insulation and being sure, knowing, that no matter how cold your body is it's still staying warm because your heart is still beating.

The other black and white either/or the Lord has been showing me is self versus surrender. I think I have an image of myself, quite a glorious image actually, and I've been too busy dwelling on it. It's like with oil paint, when it doesn't dry for days and you can go back and modify and alter until hours later it feels right. But in all the obsessive modifications you lose sight of what exactly you were painting to begin with. I've discovered that when I get so caught up in self and ego that I lose sight of who I am supposed to become. There is no more big picture, there is only now. Thoughts in this moment, words in this conversation, actions in this situation. When I focus on making myself feel better and more important, I sacrifice the value of other people. And the only reason I feel the need to do that is for self assurance. If I was able to look directly at myself, not in a mirror but face to face, I don't think I'd like the helpless, unconfident person in front of me. That person would know the phrase "identity in Christ" and still not know what to do with it in a real-world sense.

I think that's because it isn't real-world. It's beyond it. When you're able to give up enough of yourself, it gives the Spirit so much more room. Room to dwell in and room to work in. It really is true, that out of the overflow of his heart a man speaks. One verse that has been inexplicably recurring in my life is John 7.37-38,

If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him.

We are to be channels, means through which the Spirit flows and causes other people to trace the stream back to its heavenly source. I used to think the important part was to press in and receive from God, otherwise we would have nothing to give. As important as that is, now I am realizing that if the vessel is dirty or full of rocks it makes it more difficult for the water to flow. And not only that, but the water becomes tainted and a poor representation of how pure it was when it first melted. I don't want God's ability to use me to be limited by what I would do the least damage to. I am learning that sometimes God really does have to operate in spite of us, but wouldn't it be easier for everyone if we just sided ourselves with Him completely?

Now I understand more why we ask the Lord to purify us; what it means to say,

Purify my heart, cleanse me from within

And make me holy

Purify my heart, cleanse me from my sin

Deep within

Refiner's fire, my heart's one desire

Is to be holy, set apart for you, Lord

I choose to be holy

Set apart for You, my Master,

Ready to do your will

Because there is so much of me that needs to move out of the way first. That has become a much more powerful analogy for me. It's like all the little black bits left in the Brita filter to make the water drinkable.

I can't believe how much I have been learning this summer. It's almost overwhelming, though exhilarating at the same time, to discover so much of myself that needs to be changed. It's exactly what Mom wrote to me a few months ago:

God's objective for you is always Romans 8.29, to conform you to His Son's image. So let God do His work in your life, and change you so much so that you will represent Him well–excellently–to other people. Then you would honor Him and glorify Him. And isn't that what our redeemed lives are about?

So having an eternal perspective has now become my reality, and I am learning to make it the very centre of purpose in this life.

when the sun goes down

every day is exactly the same

I woke up this morning and the first thought in my head was a song by Nine Inch Nails.

I believe I can see the future

Cause I repeat the same routine

I think I used to have a purpose

But then again

That might have been a dream

I think I used to have a voice

Now I never make a sound

I just do what I've been told

I really don't want them to come around

Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same

There is no love here and there is no pain

Every day is exactly the same

The second thought was Psalm 118:24, which says, This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

The only thing that's really the same every day is work. 11.00-16.00, 11.00-16.00, 11.00-16.00, 11.00-16.00. But that in itself is not all bad, I can handle the monotony of work. What I can't deal with as well are the parts of my world that are in standstill. It's characteristic of summer, to be devoid of the routine and schedule and the normal that characterizes the school year. But it doesn't make it any easier knowing that, because certain parts of my world have stopped moving and sometimes I genuinely just feel like stopping too. It'd be better, not having to wait but just fast forwarding through the commercials and the slow parts. It'd be more realistic, to acknowledge those are part of the episode and just be patient and sit it out. It'd be absolutely ideal, to live up those moments every bit as much as the exciting scenes.

What if I could recognize the beauty of each individual day? What if they didn't all just blend into one, but instead I saw the world the way P.O.D. does in "Alive"?

Everyday is a new day

I'm thankful for every breath I take

I won't take you for granted

So I learn from my mistakes

It's beyond my control

Sometimes just letting it go

Whatever happens in this lifetime

So I trust in love

You have given me peace of mind

I think the key really is having an attitude of thanksgiving, because otherwise the new and the different can simply happen too subtly to be noticed. In those times I've found the Lord throws something huge at you, to make sure you don't miss it. It came in the form of a long-awaited phone call from SLO UMC. It's been about a month of (I'm sure) very annoying phone calls from me, trying to just get an estimate from them on how much it'd cost EPIC to rent their sanctuary once a week in the fall. We really need a new location, and we were down to their church as the only place we were really pursuing. For one event, they usually charge $500.00 for their sanctuary. The most I could do was explain our financial situation, and pray with everything I had that they would be willing to help us out. Would you believe they'll let us have it for $100.00 a month?! That's even less than the thirty dollars per use I'd originally suggested. It just blew my mind when she told me. She said their committee agreed they loved that we were part of Cal Poly and were a Christian ministry, and they wanted to make it work for us. The very first thing I did was call Ptub, and he was just as excited as I was. We have a location for next year!!! I can't believe it.

So as soon as I hung up, I decided to start my day over at 11.48.