falling down and growing up

After graduation, when I first moved home, I was entirely convinced that my life sucked. I didn't have a job, I was leaving my church and all my friends at school, and I was losing the independence of living on my own. All in exchange for no social life, my parents' church that I didn't like, the structure of 5.00pm dinner times and no direction in life. Boo hoo, I know. I was determined to move out as soon as humanly possible.

It's been a couple months now, and it's hard to describe how wrong I was. I still don't have a job, I don't have a single friend in Sacramento, I still don't like my parents' church, and it blows my mind why anyone would want to eat dinner at 5.00. That's like, closer to lunch time than dinner time. But would you believe how much I've grown up in the past two months? I've learned so much about myself and about the Lord. It makes SO MUCH SENSE why he placed me where he did, took away all the things he did, and didn't give me the things I thought I needed. I had Isaiah 55.8-9 floating through my head for a month, as a constant reminder to myself.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways" declares the Lord.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways,

and my thoughts than your thoughts."

I can't lie about how resentful I was towards God, and how jealous I was of all the people I knew who kept landing jobs. I have no right to doubt him though, and it's becoming painfully evident my idea of what's best for me is only the tiniest fraction of what God has in store.

Here's a wonderful quote that describes my outlook on life much more poetically than I know how:

"Ideals are like stars; you will not succeed in touching them with your hands. But like the seafaring man on the desert of waters, you choose them as your guides, and following them you will reach your destiny." –Carl Schurz

If nothing else, the thing that didn't change all this time was my idealism. It's about all I had to go on in trying to figure out what to do next with my life. It also made me more determined to read books and expand my knowledge, because now that I'm out of college I realize there is no such thing as being done with learning. Instead there is a giant world of learning to do and I've missed out on so much of it in the past four years by not reading beyond textbooks and being isolated in my little college world! That's why I read "Abortion: The Personal Dilemma" by R.F. Gardner, a Christian gynecologist.

His perspective is absolutely fascinating, and I definitely recommend it for the insight he provides on the spirituality and legality of the issue. Also as a result I've changed my mind on a couple things. Rather than being a proponent of the sanctity of human life, I think it's more important to value the quality of human life. Biblically, Israeli genocide campaigns, the Flood, Soddom and Gomorrah, Ananias and Sapphira, all imply that God holds a standard that goes beyond sustaining life at all costs. He cared for spiritual condition, purity in the body, and reclaiming the heart of his people. So when it comes to abortion or capital punishment and such, I'd rather advocate for changing the circumstances leading up to a person being in that scenario, rather than try to change the scenario itself. Not to say it isn't important, only that that isn't where I personally fit. For example, incest caused by dysfunctional families, or suicide from depression and hopelessness. Obviously most these situations don't have singular causes, but when you're at that point considering hurting or killing yourself or someone else or your baby, it's become damage control. It's just as important to focus on prevention.

BUT.

Our world is corrupt and fallen. There is no denying that evil exists and is, in many cases, thriving. There is a lot of ground that needs to be reclaimed– this is a spiritual battle in every sense. And for some situations, the cause is so immense the only thing left is damage control. I had a very horrible dream the other night. I'm very thankful I don't remember my dreams, only the impressions I get from them. But the part I do remember was spending a long time of semi-waking hours praying against sex trafficking of young girls. There is no denying how heavy my heart feels at the very thought. And then knowing what a reality it is for hundreds of thousands of girls every day, I don't know how I could even presume to live life as usual. It's all led me to a few conclusions.

I like design because it is a means of communication. To the extent that it captures people's attention and speaks volumes when words can't, I value its importance. But I've been realizing there's nothing life altering about a logo or an annual report. I don't care for UX or UI or gaming or phone applications or the digital direction design is moving in. I don't care to help the world function, I care to promote eternity. It's the story of paradise city I wrote a little while ago. I want to expand people's realities and minds to know what's happening around the world, and motivate them to be involved towards change. So in keeping with visual communication, I think it's just as valuable for me to be able to use written communication in conjunction. I want to be a drawbridge between those who need to hear and those crying to be heard.

And so I've been reading, reading. Currently in "Associated Press Guide to News Writing" by Rene Cappon and "Planet of Slums" by Mike Davis (yay Borders close-out sale!) I'll let you know how they go.

So much has changed on my perspective from being at home. It took the Lord removing all those distractions from my life to get right with him, and also to see how much he's truly blessed me with. I feel like the Lord took the time to look me straight in the eyes and ask, "Do you love me? Even without your friends, community, church, fellowship or a job? Not my work, not even my people, do you love ME?" And until I'm able to say unequivocally yes; until I am seeking first the kingdom of God and nothing else, I will continue to find myself in the same place. After that, though, is the preparation time. There is so much to do, so much to learn! It makes me feel like Louis Carroll's White Rabbit. And yet I've learned so much already about God's timing, and cultivating the inner life so that he is my source of joy and contentment no matter the outward circumstances.

I've also gotten to spend some incredible time with my family that I value very much. I've been road tripping with Daddy for interviews, learning to skateboard with Collin, and cooking with Mom. Such a welcome change, being a part of their lives again after only drifting in and out for four years. This is a very inspired, liberating, even adventurous time in my life, and I'm thankful this one doesn't take hindsight for me to see how life-changing and necessary it really is.

a brief introduction

Sometimes those moments just happen.

They come out of nowhere and are over before you can even be sure they were real. And the only reason you know they were is because of the inexplicable effect that they leave behind.

It was his paint-covered jeans that first caught my eye. They seemed reminiscent of days when employment was still within reach and time could be afforded for a moment of creativity. But now it was all he could do to hold himself together long enough to make it till tomorrow.

Matted, unkempt curls fell to his shoulders, careless brown strands framing a purposeful, angular face. Considering his denim jeans, a stark statement of need rather than absence of fashion sense accounted for the additional denim jacket. He completed his look with a pair of pointy leather shoes that once upon a time must have cost someone a good deal. Then, somehow, they came to him.

His general air and attitude suggested that in a different age, he would probably have been recklessly protesting the onset of civil war, brought on by the regulations of an overly oppressive government. Given a worthy cause, he had enough idealism and determination to voice his opinion or die trying.

But not here.

And not now.

His amount of direction and passion in life seemed as unfamiliar now as the availability to enjoy basic hygiene.

It is amazing how many thoughts are able to fit within a moment of realization, because the next time I looked up he was greeting me with a generous smile. With his resolute face directed towards mine, he simply said, "Good morning."

I watched his receding figure, all decked out in dirty denim, and wondered if he knew he had just made my day.

thinking about forever

I went to a church service once where the guest speaker spent the entire sermon talking about wrong thinking. He said the solution to the majority of life’s problems is correcting the way we think from negative to positive. It sounded a little too much like The Secret for me to be sure if I should take him seriously or not, so I kind of settled on not. But I’ve been reminded of it a lot since, and I really believe there’s truth in what he was saying. Every time we speak and act there is a thought behind it. People even have what we call a ‘thought life.’ Fantasies, temptations, faulty perspectives, all originate in our minds and are the reasons for so many of the things we do. Very often I am reminded of what Paul instructs us in Philippians 4.8:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable­– if anything is excellent or praiseworthy– think about such things.

It is amazing how much genuine effort it takes to do that because often I find myself viewing situations and reaching conclusions in a very negative light. Then I become reactive and operate in defense mode when the reality is I have every resource to stand above what other people choose to throw at me. Sometimes it is very easy to dwell too much on things and resist the option of finding a solution.

Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.

It makes sense now why Jesus would tell us to love the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. All of them, together, form the core of who we are. And all of them should be so enraptured with the Lord that our thoughts are his thoughts and our desires are his desires. When I am being honest with myself, I know that is not my life.

I have heard that verse, along with the Golden Rule, for essentially all my life. I always assumed Jesus said it and it could be called the greatest commandment because at that point, his life mission was all about love anyway. I never realized that those are called commands not because of the nature of the words but because they trace themselves back to Old Testament times. All of Moses’ books were full of commands. And the best part about them being buried in Leviticus 19.18 and Deuteronomy 6.4 amidst verses and chapters full of random instructions is that it solidifies for me the fact that God never changes. He was all about love from the beginning of time, and he is always going to be. It is who he is.

It is who I should be.

I know very well why I’m not. C.S. Lewis describes it wonderfully in his book The Four Loves:

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

Buddhism is right in that regard. Life is suffering and suffering sucks. But we cannot choose the selfish route and close our hearts off to the world. I know that. And yet most of the time it is what I want to do more than anything else. Love, attachment, hope, it is all very dangerous.

paradise city

Come with me, he said. I have something to show you. I followed him to the top of a mountain overlooking the city. Buildings were lit, cars were racing down highways, people were working, eating, living. But that wasn't what we saw. We were looking past the material and knowing the world for what it was. We had eyes to see. He asked me, What are you thinking? I said, They are way too messed up.

Yes, they are too messed up. But too messed up for what? For hope? For a second chance? No. Too messed up to do it on their own.

I want you to be a voice for the voiceless. I want you to speak for those who can't, and for the ones that try but are never heard. It's not about you. I know it's easy to get caught up in it, but you have to believe that as you help me take care of my work, I will be taking care of you. It's what you've always cared about. Justice. And for good reason. Don't compare yourself to others. I'm asking them to be a part of other things.

REMEMBER.

I am at work reconciling the world to myself. I'm asking you to join me. With no more concern for what others are or are not doing, I'm asking you to help me reconcile the world. This is purpose. This is what makes life so important. Work with me.

You tell their stories. You show their beautiful faces to the world. You approach corporate, industrial America and you make them pay attention.

And then he smiled, held out his hand to me and said, Come on. Let's go.

is it any wonder?

the most consistent thing about people is that they never turn out to be who you thought they were.

a call to apathy

here is a concept i dont understand

how the things that we see & witness firsthand

can have no effect on our day to day plans

if we stopped long enough to read the news

asked some questions of the knowledgable few

or cared enough what the world went through

it would stop being enough to just stand by

shrugging our shoulders with an impatient sigh

thinking someone else will give it a try

that is the problem– we just dont care

or we watch just enough to contrast & compare

but only if we suffer does it become unfair

how do you form opinions if youre ignorant?

does corruption and crime sound redundant?

how can you possibly be so complacent?

so im not surprised that people dont vote

if you live in your own world the idea's too remote

a distant concept politicians promote

and that is the part that truly scares me

the widespread disease of selfish apathy

the flippant attitude thats so plain to see

i want us to stand up & contradict

to not shy away when we hear of conflict

to actually be angry when news is horrific

what would happen if we all took a stand

or were bold enough to take matters in our own hands?

and took the time to formulate plans

[i think] the world would look a whole lot different

if broken were easily fixed

I feel tragic. Slow. And just a little bit broken.

Colourful enough and busy enough to hold it together, but there is a difficult layer of not-okay that affects everything else in a negative way.

How do you know that you're right?

If you're not nervous anymore.

It's not so bad, it's not so bad.

And when you keep telling yourself that, it becomes much easier to keep going, living life just enough to get by. That is how I've been. In school, relationships, ministry, family, Jesus, everything. I can smile and laugh and nod in appreciation but my heart isn't here. It hasn't been here for a while now, and I'm pretty anxious to find out how long I can keep going like this before it becomes detrimental. Maybe it already is, but that doesn't scare me nearly enough to want to fix it. Fixing it will take too much effort, too much time, and too much discipline. I don't have any of that. I'm going to run out of things to give soon, and when that moment comes I'll have expected it but never done anything about it.

When I feel scattered and disillusioned, the best thing has always been having something whole to come back to. But now it isn't whole. It is broken into many pieces. And even though standing up and gluing them together sounds simple enough to do, I haven't been able to find the motivation to do it. I'm not really sure that I know how anymore.