if broken were easily fixed

I feel tragic. Slow. And just a little bit broken.

Colourful enough and busy enough to hold it together, but there is a difficult layer of not-okay that affects everything else in a negative way.

How do you know that you're right?

If you're not nervous anymore.

It's not so bad, it's not so bad.

And when you keep telling yourself that, it becomes much easier to keep going, living life just enough to get by. That is how I've been. In school, relationships, ministry, family, Jesus, everything. I can smile and laugh and nod in appreciation but my heart isn't here. It hasn't been here for a while now, and I'm pretty anxious to find out how long I can keep going like this before it becomes detrimental. Maybe it already is, but that doesn't scare me nearly enough to want to fix it. Fixing it will take too much effort, too much time, and too much discipline. I don't have any of that. I'm going to run out of things to give soon, and when that moment comes I'll have expected it but never done anything about it.

When I feel scattered and disillusioned, the best thing has always been having something whole to come back to. But now it isn't whole. It is broken into many pieces. And even though standing up and gluing them together sounds simple enough to do, I haven't been able to find the motivation to do it. I'm not really sure that I know how anymore.